The First Cut is the Deepest
by TheBlindQueen
Summary: Bella doesn't jump from the cliff and Edward finds the strength to stay away for 5 years. What happens when he returns? Can he face the consequences of what he did?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. I make no money from writing these stories.

_"The First Cut Is The Deepest"_

I would have given you all of my heart  
But there's someone who's torn it apart  
And he's taken just all that I have  
But if you want I'll try to love again  
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...  
Lyrics from "The First Cut is the Deepest" written by Yusef Islam

Title: The First Cut is the Deepest  
Summary: Bella doesn't jump from the cliff and Edward doesn't return to Forks – for five years. What changes have occurred in the meantime? Can he live with what he's done? What he's lost?  
M/F, Angst, AU

*****Chapter 1: Consequences*****

I had once told Bella that time passed differently when it ceased to have any real meaning. A moment could last an eternity while an eternity might be over in an instant. She could not understand of course, being human. She was still the prisoner of time, as she so often reminded me. The passing years would make changes on her face, mark her in a way that would leave me untouched.

When I left Bella it was the hardest thing I had ever done in all my very long years of existence. Walking away from her was like dying all over again; the pain of the venom was nothing next to the agony of giving her up. But I did it because I loved her; I loved her enough to leave her.

From time to time, I knew that Alice caught glimpses of her life. She never shared what she saw and was always careful to shield her thoughts. I never asked. I could not bear to know. If she was still grieving, I feared that would make me do something I would later regret. Knowing she had found happiness again would not have been much better.

So I did not ask and Alice did not volunteer. Our silence was one of unacknowledged conspiracy. Eventually, my solitude became so marked that I knew I had to escape the loving, if somewhat overwhelming attention of my family. I wanted to be alone, I _needed_ it. I said farewell and began my journey, not knowing what I sought or where I might find it.

A part of me was tempted to give up Carlisle's vision of what we might be. My pain was so all-encompassing that there was a great temptation to spread it, to visit it upon others. I could not let my father down, though, no matter how difficult it was.

For a while, I tracked the vampire Victoria. My skills in that area proved to be less than adequate and I soon grew distracted. Victoria had no reason to harm Bella any more, in any case. Bella was not my mate, and never would be. Victoria's motives for revenge were meaningless.

Bella was safe, of that I had no doubt. Besides, if anything threatened her, I was quite sure that Alice would break her silence and tell me. She loved Bella almost as much as I did.

From time to time, I would visit my family. The pain of watching their happiness, however, would ultimately prove too great and I would move on yet again. I became a nomad, existing on the fringes of the civilized human world, hunting when my need prompted me. Most of all, I tried not to remember her.

Six months stretched out to a year, a year became two, two years glided effortlessly into three, three slid into four, and before I knew it, it had been five years since I had said good-bye to her.

It was then that Alice called me. Her voice was frantic when I answered, and if I had had a heart pumping in my chest it would have stopped beating then. I knew of only one thing that could upset Alice so much. "What's wrong?" I asked, all the time praying that what I feared was not what had happened.

"It's Victoria," Alice said, to my surprise.

"What about her?" It had been months since I thought of Victoria.

"I see her going back to Forks," Alice replied.

Ah, that would explain her fear. "And…Bella?" It had been years since I said her name, moments since I thought it.

"I don't…know," Alice said, and her frustration was revealed in her voice.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" How long had it been since she could see Bella? And why hadn't she told me earlier? What did it mean? Was Bella still safe? Was she still…alive?

"I can't _see_ her," Alice hissed.

"What does that mean?"

"I just can't see her, Edward. I can see Charlie, and he doesn't seem unhappy, far from it, so I don't think anything's happened to her, but…" Alice sighed and I could almost see her pinched expression. "I haven't seen anything for Bella for a while now, but I figured that made sense, she's not a part of…" I could sense her growing disturbance.

"Alice, you're killing me here," I muttered.

"Just go," Alice insisted. "Go to Forks. I can't see Bella, but I _can _see Victoria, and what she's got planned…" Alice took a deep breath. "Just go, Edward. Do what you can to protect Bella."

"I will," I vowed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forks had not really changed in the five years since I had been gone. It felt wrong to be back there, and yet right in some inexplicable way, as if my being had been torn in two and one part of me must always reside here, no matter where else I might wander.

That made sense, when I considered that I had left the best of everything I was here in this small, rainy town. I had left it behind with Bella, the only thing I could safely give her.

I circled around Bella's house. I could hear Charlie Swan's voice. A female voice answered him, but it was not Bella's. His thoughts were not clear, but there was no anguish or grief in them. As Alice said, he did not seem unhappy and I could not imagine that anything terrible had happened to Bella if Charlie Swan was still a contented man. He had loved his daughter too much for that. My mind was put somewhat at ease.

My relief was temporary, however, when I considered that Victoria was still on her way. Nothing had happened to Bella _yet_, I amended in my thoughts.

I slipped around the boundaries of town, idly monitoring the thoughts of various humans. I ran into no one I knew very well and no one was thinking of Bella. I tried not to let that frustrate me, but it was not easy. As I came to the north end of town I did notice one change. Dowling's Garage was no longer there. In its place was a new sign. "Black's Garage."

I would have turned around and retraced my footsteps but two things happened at the same time. I caught the faintest hint of Bella's scent. Even now, after all these years, it hit me like a battering ram. It struck through my granite skin straight to the hollow core beneath. My mouth flooded with venom even as my body tightened with useless yearning.

Then I heard the familiar roar of an old truck. It's funny how just a sound can rouse up old pains. That's what happened when I heard that truck. I could almost _see_ her sitting in the cab, driving so slowly, so carefully – responsible in that as she was everything else.

I hid behind a tree and watched as the truck rumbled up to the garage. My image of her had been remarkably and painfully accurate. An extremely tall young man sauntered out of the garage, as if the sound of the truck was a call to him. A wide grin pulled at his broad lips, his russet face lighting up as he caught sight of the truck.

And the woman in it.

Bella stepped out, clad in an old sweatshirt several sizes too large for her slim frame, worn jeans, and hiking boots. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun, wisps escaping to frame her pale face. She had never looked more beautiful.

I watched her, unable to look away even as I listened to the man's thoughts. They were warm and loving, protective and intimate. He walked to her quickly, pulling her into an enthusiastic embrace. Then he swung her around and she laughed, throwing back her head even as she playfully punched his arm and ordered him to put her down.

He obeyed her, placing her tenderly on her feet, steadying her as he did so. Then his lips lowered to hers with the ease of long familiarity. Their kiss was sweet, no hurry or edge to it, but it spoke of deep and abiding passion. They knew they had all the time in the world. His large hand was splayed on the small of her back and his other hand cradled her face.

I should have turned away then. I should have left and spared myself what was to come. It might have changed everything.

Or it might have changed nothing at all.

She turned slightly then and I saw the reason for the oversized sweatshirt. His big hand moved from her back to her belly and he gently caressed the slightly rounded mound of it. Her pregnancy was probably just beginning to really show and they seemed to marvel at it together.

Bella laughed and put her hand over his. I could hear her speaking to him. "I love you, Jacob."

My heart, long dead and silent, shattered into a million crystalline pieces.


	2. Chapter 2: Truth

*****Chapter 2: Truth*****

I watched them, unwilling to be a witness to what they shared, unable to look away. They held me captive. Then a breeze blew at my back and I watched with shock as Jacob Black stiffened, his expression twisting for a moment with distaste. His arms tightened around Bella and I could see the protectiveness in the gesture. He smoothed out his expression and then brushed his big hand along Bella's cheek. "Why don't you go home and take a nap?" he suggested gently. "You look tired." He leaned down to place a tender kiss on her temple. "And you know what the doctor said."

She grimaced. "You worry too much." Then Bella yawned. "I suppose I could," she allowed.

"But first eat some ice cream," Jacob added in a teasing tone. "It will help you sleep."

"You know I only love you because you bring me home Rocky Road," Bella teased back.

"Why do you think I keep bringing it home?" Once more, his fingers brushed along her cheek, as if unable to keep himself from touching her.

"All right then," Bella said. "But don't be late. I'm making a special dinner!" She climbed into the truck and drove away, the engine chugging loudly.

Jacob watched her drive away, glanced toward the woods where I hid, and then turned sharply and marched back into the garage. I was too stunned to listen for his thoughts at that point. How had he smelled me? How? What _was_ he? He was Quileute, but surely… No, that was not possible. The wolves had been gone for over seventy years.

Unable to help myself, I followed him into the garage. He was standing at a workbench, with his back to me, working at some piece of machinery. He thought and said my name at the same time. "Cullen…"

"How…?"

He turned then, his face made out of stone. "I'm surprised you had the balls to show your face here, Cullen." Jacob shook his head. "We don't want any damned leeches here. Why don't you go back where you came from?" He sneered. "Like hell."

I caught a whiff of his scent then and my expression must have mirrored what his face showed when he smelled me. It was not fully human, but I was familiar with the scent. A wolf? Here? Again? Why?

"You're a wolf," I accused.

Jacob snorted. "You think?" He shoved his hands in his pockets. "That tends to happen in the tribe when leeches move into the neighborhood."

"What?"

"The Cullens arrived and then the wolves made their appearance. Again," Jacob explained dismissively. "As if you didn't know."

I hadn't known. None of us had. Carlisle would be fascinated. But that was a topic for another time. I had much more pressing business. I turned my thoughts to the matters at hand. "I-"

Jacob interrupted. "Listen, I don't know why you're here. I don't care. But you're not going to hurt Bella again." His eyes grew bitter and hard. "I've already picked up the pieces you left behind once. Neither one of us is strong enough to go through that again."

I swallowed hard, knowing that I deserved every word of condemnation he had to offer. Then I remembered the tender way she had embraced him and bitterness rose up to choke me. What did he have to be angry about? He had won. She had chosen him. "It looks like she recovered just fine."

Jacob threw a wrench and it bounced off the wall behind me. "Oh really, you think she just moved right along after you threw her away huh?" He stalked toward me. "For two years, two _long_ years, I watched her twist herself up over you, cry over you. I held her when she cried sometimes, you know that? I let her grieve. I let her work _you_ out of her system. I let her heal. I let her take her time. I never left her, not once. Not like you did. And eventually – God, it took so damned long! – she realized that_ I_ never was going to leave. That she could love me and be safe, that I wouldn't ever hurt her."

"I was-"

"Just shut up. You don't have the right to do or feel anything," Jacob hissed. "I'm the one who picked the pieces. I'm the one who put her back together. I'm the one who saved her when your friend showed up!"

"What friend?" I asked, and then I saw the answer in his mind. Laurent.

He had come back. For Bella.

"That's right," Jacob said. "I know you're picking stuff out of my head, and that's fine." He smiled wickedly. "I can live with what I've seen. But can you?"

A thousand images of Bella flickered through his head. Bella looking pale and drawn, sobbing as he held her. Jacob embracing her, soothing her as she talked to him, Jacob promising her that he would never hurt her. Bella in pain in a hundred different ways. Because of me.

Because of what I did – because of what I was.

And then the most painful image of all. The day Bella went to him and told him what he had waited so long to hear, gave him what he had wanted more than anything else in the world.

Bella loved him. Bella loved Jacob. And I loved Bella. Still. Always. For the rest of eternity, my cold silent heart belonged to her and there was nothing I could do about it.

"That's right, bloodsucker," Jacob laughed at the expression on my face. "You're too late. You screwed up. You left her, and I stayed."

"I had to," I tried to explained. "It was too dangerous."

"Yeah," Jacob agreed. "But you didn't give a fucking thought to what you were leaving her to face, did you?" He snorted. "You left her here, unprotected as far as you knew. And we watched out for her. _We_ took care of Laurent."

"I had no idea," I whispered. "I thought-"

"It doesn't matter what you thought, parasite," Jacob. "I'll watch over Bella. My brothers and I wouldn't let anything happen to her. You're not needed."

I wasn't. I was neither wanted nor needed. And I had only myself to blame. But my own pain did not negate the danger that stalked Bella. I forced myself to think of that, to do what was right rather than what I wanted.

"Actually, there's a problem," I said. "Victoria…"

An image of her face rose up in Jacob's mind, her teeth bared in a snarl. "Again?" he spat. Then he sighed and rubbed at his jaw. "All right, you've told me. Now you can go."

"You know about Victoria?"

"She makes a go at Bella once a year or so," Jacob said. "She's one of the reasons we're all still phasing, even after you and yours left us alone." Then he sneered at me. "But don't worry, Cullen. We watch out for our own. Bella's never left unprotected. Even now, one of my brothers is following the truck. And he'll run a perimeter around the house."

"My sister told me to come here," I said softly. "There must be a reason for that."

"The fortune teller?" Jacob asked. /Just go, leave us alone. If you hurt Bella again, I swear to God…/ His thoughts became snarled and violent, as if he could not choose a punishment vile enough for me if I hurt her. Strangely, I agreed with him.

I had done enough.

"Well, I don't know what your leech sister saw, but we've got it covered," Jacob insisted. "We'll watch over Bella."

"You're not just watching over Bella now," I reminded him quietly.

Jacob's face twisted. "She's never left unprotected. My brothers and I, we watch out for our own." The words were thrown out as a challenge. I ignored it.

"Maybe there's a reason Alice told me to come back to Forks," I pushed. "Maybe I can…help."

"Don't you think you've done enough?" Jacob asked harshly. Another image of Bella flashed through his head and I felt my chest tighten.

God, I had hurt her so much. And all for nothing. Nothing I had done had kept her safe. I had lost her. No, I had thrust her away – and all for naught.

"Surely it's better to have one more guarding Bella and…and the baby." The word stuck in my throat, bitter and cold.

"Bella and our son will be just fine, thanks anyway, bloodsucker."

A son. Bella's son. Jacob's son. Maybe it was better this way. He could give her so much that I could not. He could give her all the things I had wanted her to have when I left her. And yet…

Oh, how I longed to be the one who had the right to hold her now, to cradle that growing life in her belly and know that our child was growing safe and warm inside of her.

I shrugged. "Well, in any case, the treaty still stands," I reminded him. "I'll be staying in our house."

"Don't try to contact Bella," Jacob warned again. "Don't call her, don't run into her, and don't let her know you're here." He cleared his throat. "It's been a tough pregnancy, and the doctor doesn't want her to get too…stressed." He paused. "And I'm not telling her about Victoria either. Not now."

I hesitated for a moment, knowing I had no right to ask.

"Is she all right?"

Jacob's eyes hardened into black diamonds. "She's fine. And she's gonna stay that way. But that's my concern, not yours." His jaw bulged. "Understand?"

I nodded, realizing that he was right. She belonged to Jacob Black now.

"I understand."

"I don't expect I'll see your face again," Jacob added. "Or smell your stench." He laughed then and it was hard and bitter. "Just so we understand each other."

I nodded once more and turned to walk away. I heard the clamor of thoughts from Jacob, knowing that his anxiety for Bella was sharp and frantic. He had been warned, and he was capable of looking after her. I had to trust in that. I had to believe.

I had lost Bella forever, and I would have to find a reason to continue to exist.

If I could.

If I even wanted to bother.


End file.
